blow up twister Control and Resistance - the Relationship Gremlins

"I'm tired of Andrea's anger and arrogance and I'm ready to leave the relationship," Paul said at our telephone consultation ."."Everything must be her way.Why can't she shut her mouth?She's breaking the relationship.I hate her judgment.Every time she does this, it will cloud our relationship and I end up feeling bad.
Paul and Andrea are in their typical power struggle.Paul is often a teenager in doing housework.If anything needs to be done, he will say he will, and then delay to the point where Andrea will explode.
He would then blame Andrea for being angry, not for taking any responsibility for his resistance."Paul, how did you react when Andrea was angry and picky?"I was angry and tried to explain to her why I had not fixed the curtain rod yet.But she didn't listen to me, so I quit."So Andrea is trying to control you with her anger and you are trying to control her with your explanation and exit.
You are determined not to be controlled by her.So do you want to complain to me about Andrea, blame her anger for how you feel, or do you want to understand the end of your system and what different things you can do?"I just hope she doesn't get angry."Paul, you have been trying to control Andrea's anger for the entire five years of your relationship.
Is it working?\"No.
But why can't she stop?"So why can't you stop boycotting, be responsible for the family, be responsible for your feelings, and not be a victim of Andrea?\"Oh.I see what you mean.She must not know what she is doing as much as I do.\"Right.The two of you learned early on to try to control and resist being controlled, and these old patterns are controlling your relationship.
But what's the point of leaving?Each of you will take your patterns with you and each of you will end up in a similar relationship as in the past.So why not admit that you are not a victim and solve your problem?\"Okay.What do you think is my problem?"I think there are two main problems.
I know that household items, like broken curtain rods, don't bother you, but they do bother Andrea.You put her in trouble because when she says she'll hire someone to fix something that needs to be repaired, you get upset and tell her you'll do it and then you won't.So one of the main problems is that it is more important for you to resist being controlled than to be a loving person for yourself and for her.
I'm not forgiving Andrea's anger and criticism.This is the end of her system.But you didn't accept that you couldn't control her anger.This is another major issue for youYou don't recognize her control enough.
She tries to control you, and you resist when you try to control her.\ "If you really want to change, then your only control is to change you, not her.Things can change when you're ready to make it more important to care about yourself and her than to resist.
For a person who has been resisting for a lifetime, this is a huge challenge.Once Paul no longer blames Andrea, he can do the deep work of healing his resistance